Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
