I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
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