Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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