she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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