I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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