all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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