Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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