I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
