All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
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How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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