Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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