I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
