at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
