i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
