I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
this will be a night to untag.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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