i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
