ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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