I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
