Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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