Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Randomize
