I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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