so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
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a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
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I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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