Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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