So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
