I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
