The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
