peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My dick has a subreddit
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
