I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
