Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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