I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
