So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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