Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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