My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
