you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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