I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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