Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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