I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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