omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
