Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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