I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
