someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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