Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
