You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
