He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
