Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
