you traded sex for a burrito?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
