I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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