omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
dude. I can hear the air.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
