I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
