I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
