I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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