in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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