I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize
