Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
