I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
