so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
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If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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